Your Disputes With a Teenager End in Scandals. What Are You Doing Wrong
Many books have been written about how stubborn and emotional teenagers can be. Clinical psychologist Ilya Rozov tells how parents can find a common language with teenagers and get out of conflict with them with minimal losses.
If you have a teenager in your house, then you may have noticed how difficult it can be for him to cope with emotions. Ten minutes ago, he completely agreed with you, and now he contradicts everything, screams and pours accusations. It happens differently: a teenager, on the contrary, silently walks away from the conversation, holding a grudge in himself. Both situations can lead to conflict, and from my experience I can say that they happen quite often.
If your teen’s behavior doesn’t go beyond being rebellious—he doesn’t get in trouble with the law, he doesn’t cut himself, he’s not in a low mood all the time—the following instructions may be helpful in making peace with him. If the actions of a teenager directly threaten his life and health, then it is advisable to contact a psychiatrist with him.
What to do if you find yourself in a difficult situation with a teenager
Let’s start with a few self-help tips. In a conflict with a teenager, the same rule applies as on an airplane: put the mask on yourself first, and then on the child. Once you calm down and understand your emotions, it will be easier to find a common language with a teenager. Here’s what you should think about first:
1. Recognition. Very often, in a conflict situation, parents believe that something is wrong with them: they somehow raise this teenager incorrectly, and he grows up somehow not like that. In fact, each of you goes through a difficult stage: your child learns to manage his emotions and behavior, and you learn to be with him in a difficult period for him. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just part of life.
2. Compassion. Remember, you are not alone in this situation. Right now, millions of parents and teenagers around the world are going through the same stage with you. Each of them is faced with misunderstanding, strong emotions and conflicts. And this is what unites us.
3. Values. It is very important to determine what kind of parent you want to be, that is, what qualities you would like to have as a father or mother. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, if you are lost in the forest of complex emotions, then you can get out of it faster, focusing on your guiding star - these are just your values. Secondly, by acting according to your ideas about parenting, it will be easier for you to notice that discomfort is not the only thing that is even in the most difficult conflict with a child.
For example: mother A. in the heat of a quarrel feels her anger growing. Her teenager B. does not back down from her position. Without a value orientation, mother A. will only respond to her feelings of anger or thoughts that concern her child: “He doesn’t understand us”, “I know what’s best.” It will be natural to want to remove this tension. But if we give mother A. the value “I want to be a caring parent”, then, faced with difficult feelings and thoughts, she may react like this: “This conversation has become very difficult for us, we can’t hear each other, let’s pause and come back a little closer to him." Here there is a manifestation of their concern for the child, and not just an automatic desire to reduce stress.
Now that you’ve figured out your condition, it’s time to tackle teen behavior. And here we come to one painful part: you can only change your actions. That is, it depends on the teenager himself how he will behave. So what are parents to do now?
Try to understand each other’s positions and find a compromise. To see the situation from all sides, it must be discussed. Let’s say it seems to you that a teenager is always lazy or deliberately argues. But in fact, you don’t know what’s going on in his head. He, too, can see the situation one-sidedly: to believe that you are very strict with him for no reason.
For example, a teenager has learning difficulties. Usually the parental brain tells us that this is laziness: “If he had put more effort, and everything would have worked out.” Based on this position, it is very difficult to notice the difficulties that the child faces. For example, it can be noisy at school, some topics are not fully explained to him, or the teenager is simply not interested. Only a joint conversation, where you can discuss the existing difficulties, will shed light on this situation.
How to talk to a teenager
According to the detailed and practical guidelines of dialectical-behavioral and interpersonal therapy, we can conduct this conversation like this:
1. Pick the right time. Consider your resources and your teen’s abilities. Right after school, your teenager will probably come back tired and not ready to discuss any difficult issues. But keep in mind that after a hard day at work, it can also be difficult for you to have this conversation. Therefore, choose the most convenient time depending on your schedules and workload.
2. Try to describe the situation from your side and invite the child to do the same. Don’t judge his words, just listen. Use reliance on feelings, for example: “It is very important for me that you come home on time, I feel anxiety and excitement because I love you.” When we rely on feelings, we move away from direct logical dispute. This is more likely to help the participants in the conversation understand each other.
3. Find mutually beneficial terms. Why should teenagers change their behavior? What is the benefit for him and for you? For example, you want your child to clean their room. For you, the benefits are obvious: a teenager will acquire important skills and take some of the burden off of you. For a teenager, the benefits can be emphasized, for example: “You want to go to university and live separately, cleaning will allow you to become more independent” - or: “Cleaning your room, you become more independent and decide for yourself what to keep and what to throw away “.
4. Give thanks. If you managed to agree on a compromise, tell the child thank you. But even if this didn’t work out, thank yourself and the teenager for the fact that together you are trying to find a way out of a difficult situation.
The recommendations above are not a good pie recipe. Even if you acted exactly according to the instructions, you still may not come to any decision. And that’s okay. Remind yourself that everyone is responsible for their own behavior and some problems will take a long time to resolve. Now go back to the very first step, try to support yourself and try to find an approach to your teenager again.