“Why Are We So Poor?”: How to Answer Uncomfortable Questions From a Child
“Why do you earn so little?” - such questions of the child can put any parent to a standstill. How to learn to answer them - said Elena Kandybina, a family psychologist, a specialist in the service for the selection of psychologists Alter
Telling a child why it rains is much easier than telling a child where babies come from. Scions sometimes ask about things that seem inappropriate to us, and we cannot find a suitable explanation. Some parents, blushing and turning pale, begin to invent a “politically correct” version. Others brush off the on-duty phrase: “Grow up - you will know.” But there are those who clearly and calmly explain everything to the child, without making him feel uncomfortable. How do they do it?
Difficult topics are topics that are difficult for parents
In any culture, some topics are taboo. They are considered too intimate - say, sexual relations. Or they evoke many feelings - for example, wealth and poverty, politics, death. Therefore, it is difficult for us to talk about this not only with children, but also with other adults. Imagine asking your partner why he or she earns so little, or wondering in whose favor a will was written. Most likely, such a conversation will not be easy.
Children are just beginning to explore the social world, so they ask about things that adults are usually silent about. But if we want the child to learn details about uncomfortable topics from us, and not from friends or from the Internet, then we will have to learn to remain calm and look for the right words.
If the question caught you suddenly, and even, perhaps, on the bus or in the store, then it is enough to say that you will definitely answer it later. This will give you a respite for reflection and allow you to have a difficult conversation “with a cool head.” Just remember to come back to the topic and in no case reproach the child for asking such questions. So you earn his trust and help to understand what is happening around.
What do I think about it?
To begin with, you yourself will have to deal with the question that the child asked. Is pregnancy the result of mutual love or some joint body movements of a man and a woman? To earn money, you need to make an effort, or is it a matter of cunning? Some people get more and others less because the former are smarter? Why is labor not always valued fairly? It is important to remember that there is no one right answer to complex questions. It all depends on our values, which are not always easy to put into words. In The Art of Conversation, André Maurois wrote that “the most difficult thing in an argument is not so much to defend one’s point of view as to have a clear idea of it”. And before talking with the child, you need to find this clear idea.
Sometimes parents think that their opinion is not very important, because society, peers and TV say something completely different. But rest assured, for a child, you are the most significant people (even for a teenager, which is why he argues so desperately with you). So don’t be afraid to talk to your kids, be sincere and believe in your values.
Different ages, different answers
Answers to the questions of a five-year-old toddler and a 17-year-old teenager will differ. In order to speak intelligibly, one must imagine the child’s social experience and his ability to build cause-and-effect relationships, evaluate and correlate the events taking place around him. Therefore, we will talk about some topics several times, at different levels of understanding.
So, for a preschooler, the topic of sex is primarily associated with the relationship of adults who love each other. And when discussing it with a teenager, you should definitely talk about the principle of consent and contraception. A question about money from a younger student is more likely to lead to a conversation about family resources and smart spending on pocket money. Speaking of the same with an older teenager, we will inevitably touch upon the problems of employment in different countries, exploitation and the fair distribution of wealth.
If you find it difficult to formulate an answer on your own, take a book that is appropriate for the child’s age, or materials from organizations that deal with difficult topics. For example, to talk about sexuality, you can refer to the World Health Organization’s Sexuality Education Matrix if it fits with the views of your family. In addition, there are books in which psychologists answer various children’s questions: “What to do if …” by Lyudmila Petranovskaya, “Mom, why is that so?” Anna Skavitina and others.
What if something happened?
An event occurred in the family that greatly changed life. Parents lost their jobs, someone became seriously ill or died, you had to suddenly move to another city. Should I talk about this with my child? Maybe since he doesn’t pay attention, you shouldn’t worry?
Even if we hide our problems from children, they still feel our feelings and try to understand what is happening. The younger the child, the less he understands and the more he will fantasize. It will be much easier for him if you can clearly explain what happened and how you are going to proceed.
You should not expect that, having learned about a difficult event for you, the child will feel the same as you. Children often experience secretly and as if in waves - either being distracted by their lives, or plunging into emotions. They may begin to cry desperately not for a sick grandmother, but because of the adventures of a kitten in a cartoon. But that’s how childish grief manifests itself.
Starting a conversation: five recommendations from a psychologist
- Formulate your point of view on a difficult issue in advance. Discuss it with another adult you trust. This will help you find the best words to talk to.
- Difficult topics cause a lot of emotions - if you can’t speak calmly, then it may be worth contacting a psychologist yourself first to understand how this issue affects you and why.
- Focus on the age and social experience of the child. Read books on the topic written for his peers and use the advice and examples from there in conversation.
- State your beliefs positively. Instead of “teenagers shouldn’t have sex,” “sex is a big responsibility that adults can handle more easily.” Instead of “politics is a dirty business” - “in relations between states, you have to take into account a lot of different circumstances, so it is difficult to make the right decision.”
- Do not expect a reaction from a child that an adult interlocutor would have. Be prepared for questions and objections. If the conversation stalls, and you run out of words, offer to take a break, but don’t forget to come back to the topic again.