How Parental Behavior Affects the Future of Children
In order for children to be successful in life, parents use different methods of motivation: from criticism to depriving the child of the opportunity to choose. How does this actually affect children, said Meta’s psychotherapist Victoria Potapova.
Each parent imagines success and implementation criteria in their own way. For some, it is important that a child in his adult life could achieve his goals, be active, receive social recognition and a high social status. For some, the main thing is that he is able to unleash the potential inherent in him and enjoy the chosen activity.
The scope, boundaries and meanings of “success” depend both on the individuality of a person and on the historical era in which he lives. This is where generational conflicts arise: what can be a measure of success for a parent will not at all correspond to the life values and priorities of the child. It’s good if this conflict unfolds openly in the family. But it happens that he moves into the inner world of the child as attitudes transmitted through certain thoughts and actions of adults.
Let’s look at three attitudes that can prevent children from fulfilling themselves in the future.
Without the right to vote
Up to a certain age, the attitude that the parent knows everything better than the child and therefore must decide for him, at first glance, seems to be advantageous. An adult is definitely better versed in the world around him and will help you make the right choice in favor of healthy food, reliable toys, suitable friends and educational games. Moreover, following this approach, he saves a lot of his time, because there is no need to wait until the child himself does something, evaluates his decision, accepts it or even changes it.
But the older the children, the more difficult the world becomes for them, the more life tasks appear. And here the question arises: “If a child is used to relying on the opinions of surrounding adults, how will he learn to make his choice, to understand what suits him?” “He will follow the example of the parent,” you might answer. But what about those cases in which the child did not witness the choice or did not understand the parent’s motivation? In such situations, even as an adult, he will experience anxiety, doubt himself, seek support in the opinions of other people and not show initiative.
Therefore, it is important to teach a child from early childhood to listen to inner impulses, set goals for himself, purposefully go towards their implementation, comparing results with expectations, correcting his actions. It is necessary to give him the opportunity to make mistakes and correct mistakes. This will help you take responsibility for your choices, get to know your own abilities and limitations better.
Should be ashamed
There are two “great” ways to influence unwanted behavior in children of almost all ages - scare and shame. Fear and shame make you stop doing what an adult does not like. At such moments, the adult feels that he managed to correct the behavior, and the child seems to be rejected, he loses his spontaneity, connection with internal impulses, emotionally and cognitively clamped. He reads the message: “What you do is bad because you are bad.” The more often a child encounters such an experience, the more he is afraid or ashamed to show any activity, to express his thoughts.
The most reliable and productive motivation is based on interest and pleasure. When a child can listen to himself, choose the direction of activity, pace, action strategies and then be proud of the result. It is not always important to assemble the pyramid according to the instructions, but it is always important to be glad that it is assembled, and the child likes it. Children are reflected, as in a mirror, in positive feedback from their parents. This is how they notice their strengths, sharing with adults the pleasure of exploration and achievement.
In childhood, the cognitive interest is very strong. Based on it, the child can perform both monotonous work and tasks that require active actions for a long time. In the future, this will allow him to realize the area of \u200b\u200bhis interests, know his potential and reveal it.
Be like them
Success stories can really inspire only if they are not the only measure of attitude towards the child and its results on the part of significant adults. When children are viewed through the prism of conformity to another person, they cease to perceive the relationship with their parents as a reliable base of safety, within which they will always receive unconditional love and support.
Comparison with a boy from a parallel class or a multi-billionaire often has a range of consequences. The child is likely to feel rejected, unwanted, and unimportant. He can start to get angry and act contrary, just not to be like the one with whom he is compared. The hope will ripen inside the child that then they will notice him in all his individuality and will definitely not turn away, although they will scold him. He may also begin to feel sad and plunge into a depressed state, from which his productivity will further decline.
But it may also happen that the child wants to become the same as the object of admiration of the parent. He will be guided by the desire to receive attention and recognition from adults, he will do a lot on willpower, but without pleasure or interest. After what period of time will come emotional exhaustion, disappointment and resentment towards those who pushed him to turn away from his dream?
Start with yourself
It is important for parents to remember the individuality of the child and realize their own dreams, independently embody them in their lives, without shifting this responsibility to the baby. The ability to notice the interests, priorities and values of children, to support their implementation is the key to reliable relationships in the family and the opportunity for the child to reach his potential.
The quality of relationships with parents has a huge impact on the entire life path of the child. Those messages that he receives through the look, words, gestures, actions of significant adults grow deep in his psyche, and he learns to experience the same feelings and emotions for himself as his parents. But it is in their power to grow within the child a reliable base of support and acceptance that will help him cope with life’s challenges, be successful and realize his potential.