Becoming Your Own Friend: How the Skill of Self-Compassion Can Save You From Burnout
The habit of criticizing yourself for the slightest mistake and setting ever higher standards for yourself is a direct path to burnout. Self-compassion will help protect yourself from it. How to develop this skill.
“You procrastinate again, and the deadlines are burning - pull yourself together!”. “There’s a mistake upon a mistake, and you call yourself a professional?” “At this rate, this position can’t be sustained, watch how the rest give their best.” We are accustomed to strictly “motivate” ourselves to be productive, afraid that otherwise we will lose control over our lives, and with it - the chances for a successful career, harmonious relationships or sports achievements. But in scientific circles, it is increasingly said that it is not praise that discourages, but self-criticism.
Meditation, philosophy, psychology: where, how and why kindness to yourself is put in the first place
They spoke about a good attitude towards oneself even in the Ancient East. “Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion,” the Buddha stated. Based on his short sayings, in the 5th century BC, the monk Buddhaghosa gave detailed recommendations to develop self-compassion. They are contained in the treatise Vishuddhimagga, and today we know them as metta (Pali mettā, benevolence), the meditation of loving-kindness. It has been shown to reduce self-criticism and relieve symptoms of depression. Metta meditation is also used in the proprietary mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program developed by medical professor John Kabat-Zinn.
But even before the advent of Minefulness, the concept of self-compassion in various forms was introduced into the work of leading psychologists of the 20th century.
In 1956, the philosopher and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wrote the following about this in his book The Art of Loving: “My own “I” should be the same object of my love as the other person.” He emphasized that a mature person affirms his life and freedom if he combines unconditional maternal love and conditional paternal love. That is, you need to simultaneously treat yourself with kindness and care only for the fact of your existence and learn to take responsibility, live up to your values and improve yourself.
Around the same time, one of the leaders of humanistic psychology, Carl Rogers, developed the concept of an unconditional positive attitude towards oneself. It lies in the fact that a person is able to heal mental traumas and realize his own potential only in conditions of complete self-acceptance. As a psychotherapist, Rogers applied this principle to himself and his clients. “Before each session, I stop for a brief moment to remember that I, too, am human. There is nothing that can happen to a man that I, being a man too, cannot share with him; there is no such fear that I cannot understand; there is no suffering to which I can remain insensitive - this is inherent in my human nature <…> And therefore I am enough. The special therapeutic attitude developed by Rogers towards oneself and others made the work with anxiety,
A similar concept, unconditional self-acceptance, was used by psychologist and cognitive therapist Albert Ellis. He defined a person as “a complex, fluid, constantly changing process that does not allow for evaluation by yourself or by other people.” From his point of view, this helps to avoid black-and-white thinking - a common cause of emotional burnout and unrealized ideas. And also unconditional self-acceptance contributes to constructive work on oneself - without pressure and depreciation.
What is self-compassion made of?
University of Texas psychology professor Christine Neff was inspired by the ideas of Buddhists and leading psychologists and became the first to begin to deeply explore and systematize knowledge about empathy and kindness to oneself. She defined self-compassion as being open to one’s own pain, fear, shame, anger, anxiety, and other difficult feelings. Neff identified three basics that help to understand the reasons for their appearance, quickly adjust their condition, restore efficiency and interest in achieving goals.
- A conscious attitude to pain instead of an automatic response to it. One must be able to observe suffering without exaggerating or devaluing it, without merging with it.
- Humanity instead of isolation. No one is alone in their feelings - everyone has difficulties and losses, so our experience is universal, not unique, and is part of the universal experience.
- Kindness to yourself instead of ignoring and self-flagellation. Willingness not to run away from feelings caused by mistakes and stress, for example, with the help of alcohol, overeating or scrolling news feeds, but to understand yourself and express care not only in words, but also in active actions.
These three pillars help you make a conscious choice between satisfying your compulsive desires or living a better life in the long term. They also build resilience: it takes courage to face your “negative” emotions and traumatic memories.
Three steps to a healthy relationship with yourself
Why do people rarely use self-compassion? The fact is that the neural connections of protective stress reactions “fight”, “run”, “freeze” are stronger than the connections of focusing on the positive aspects of life. This mechanism has been debugged for thousands of years - the loss of vigilance could cost the ancient man his life. Now the risk of being torn to pieces by wild animals is almost zero, but in the face of difficulties, we are still more accustomed to directing aggression at ourselves (“hit”) and procrastinate decision-making and active actions (“run” or “freeze”). At the same time, the body perceives self-criticism as a threat: muscles tense up, breathing rate changes, concentration drops. If such a state is repeated from time to time, it leads to physical and mental exhaustion. The level of interest and productivity is falling lower and lower,
To break the vicious circle and strengthen weaker ties, regular compassion training will help. But first, we recommend testing your level of kindness to yourself in difficult situations by filling out a questionnaire developed by Christine Neff.
1. Protection from self-criticism
Self-criticism is negative and overgeneralized thoughts addressed to oneself. They automatically appear in response to the trigger: “Again, there is an error in the documents - you can’t do anything right!” or “Everything is always at the last moment, how have you not been fired yet!”. At first, it is enough to simply notice these attacks and fix the emotions and sensations in the body that they cause. Once you’ve mastered this skill, start evaluating critical statements. Are they logical? Based on facts? Are you really not good at anything and always procrastinating? If not, then when faced with such statements, correct them for more rational and specific ones: “This is the second mistake in a month” or “There are twice as many tasks this quarter, besides, my partner is on vacation – so I can hardly fit in”.
2. Focus on strengths
Every day, note what you can praise and thank yourself for. Do this throughout the day or set aside 5 minutes before bed. Dry enumeration is not enough - our brain loves context. Create it by consistently retelling and visualizing events. Describe the problem you are experiencing. Tell us how you decided it, what qualities you showed and what values you defended. Determine how you felt at that moment and what words of gratitude you would like to hear addressed to you. Say them to yourself. This will help to activate the prefrontal cortex and stimulate the production of serotonin, which will make the practice more effective.
3. Supportive dialogue
Self-compassion and self-comfort are important skills for resilience. Imagine your best friend feeling alone and helpless. Pick up a few warm phrases for him to show that you understand and respect him, that you want to support him. For example:
“I know that right now you feel pain and longing, this is completely normal. Walking usually helps to unwind.
“There’s a mistake here, but it’s okay. I propose to make tea and rest for half an hour, and then think about how you can fix it.
“It was a difficult task, not everyone will overcome it. Let’s try again, now you know how to solve it better.
When you yourself experience stress, fear, insecurity, sadness or anxiety, use these phrases instead of self-flagellation. They should fit into the context and find an emotional response in you. You can mentally speak empathic statements, write a letter to yourself based on them, or say them out loud while looking at yourself in the mirror. Psychologist and professor at Stanford University Kelly McGonigal believes that eye contact makes emotional regulation more effective, as it activates the social cognition system (prefrontal cortex, temporoparietal junction, posterior parietal cortex). This means that a person begins to observe his emotions from the outside and identifies less with his pain.
The more often you practice self-compassion, the less likely you are to lose dignity and self-respect by harassing yourself with nagging and insults. “You acknowledge your positive traits without false modesty or superiority, and you also freely acknowledge all your faults and shortcomings without any sense of inferiority or self-abasement. This attitude is the essence of self-love and self-respect. It does not need to be earned,” says psychiatrist David Burns.
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